Thoughts during sleepy time tea on a Sunday.

Its been some time since I visited these parts of the internet, so of course a lot has changed since I was last here (my last post was in September 2018). Of course, we have been keeping touch on an almost daily basis so I won’t rehash them here.

I was driven to write this post because I needed to just sit down and put some of the thoughts out that have been troubling me.

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As you know I started a new job recently. The company is well reputed and the work environment ins fairly supportive. Yet I find myself struggling to keep up at my work. Partly it is the expectation of being in a big high-tech company, the efficiency and ‘productivity’ that in my mind an engineer at my place should have. And some of it comes from my hesitation in my own capability, getting accumulated to a new environment entirely and keeping my focus during an average work day. I hope I can learn quickly enough and keep a growth focused mindset. But I need to remind myself that such a mindset requires patience for things will not immediately come out as I would like them to be. It also requires me to be accepting of my own shortcomings. I’ve been lucky until now to be given work which came to me naturally or where I was the only one adept at a particular skill. Finding myself around people that are demonstrably more skilled at the moment doesn’t mean that my value is less, just that I need some more time to catch up. A lot of the stuff that I’m writing here about has been written and said many times over by many wise people including you. However reading something once doesn’t a lesson well learnt make.

Theres a deeper problem here too. Its the age old desire on working something meaningful and impactful and when you reflect on what you are doing, you find that fall short of the high standards you had set out to achieve. I need to learn that my work, even if small still gets something done. I must resist the fallacy of the mind to revert to compare what I do to anyone else. Rather perhaps I could focus on what it can be and follow the path that could lead us there.

Theres a lot more where I can improve – better aligning my ambition, being more receptive for opportunities to learn but for the time being all I can hope for is to continue to do my best during this journey, be open to making mistakes, seek and be curious.

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Ive found myself losing patience more often than I would have liked myself to. I loose patience with myself, Jaclyn or even the world in general. Ive tried to think why this is so. Sometimes I think this stems from me general anxiety about the world passing me by and being unable to do anything about it.